Qiao Gu: Reapers

From Left to Right: OOZEYE, the Silver Surfer, A$VP Vee, Dada888, Maokai Bot, Defective WeiXiao Clone #4372, Dade's seat warmer

Qiao Gu Wild Hunt started the off-season by removing Spiritual Coach Hiro after a shameful IEM, which saw them drop a single game to Team Dignitas. Qiao Gu Exorcists began dating Newbee, a money laundering company who reportedly won the 2014 League of Legends World Championship in a bizarre twisted dark reality where Korea never played League of Legends. Using their dirty slave money legitimate funds from their sugar mines, NewBee bought some new toys for QG Demons: Uzi, Dade and former CJ Entus coach Park Yong Woon. DoinB and TnT are moved to substitute.

Obviously fans might be worried about how the new look Qiao Gu Death Eaters will function but I'd like to personally reassure the fans that I have full confidence in the money going forward. The theory when building the new roster was simple: If we take a player who's only ever performed internationally with a player who's only ever performed domestically then naturally we should break both their curses and win LPL and then Worlds.

The NewBee acquisisition was neccessary because up until now Qiao Gu Avengers have had no sponsors. I'm not sure how it was being financed before and I'm not exactly sure how it's being financed now but I've been told not to focus on this and get the team to perform the best they can.

DoinB will still have a very important role on the team. Dade will need someone to ward his flanks and protect him from rabid fan girls. Someone to cleanse the filthy Chinese water so Dade's coffee tastes nice and someone to absorb the cleaning cooldowns so Dade can focus on practice.

Also I'm looking at moving TnT to either support or toplane #JustChinaThings

- Park Yong Woon on the new look Qiao Gu Shinigamis

Oh My God!

OMG came last place out of the nominees in the 'Worst League of Legends off Season' award. Losing to European team Totally Not Alliance, Team Impulse Decisions and overall winner NaJin o-nFire, China proved that they can't even be the best at being the worst. OMG gave the title a good effort and came in as a favourite. First they convinced 4 of their best performing players to retire (Gogoing-san, YourMumsLoveIsLikeADrug and Zinadine Zidane), then they sold off the big star acquisition of 2015 Uzi, then they signed TBQ.

On why they didn't win the award, enlightened Reddit poster /u/First_Impact had this to say:

I am a stupid head.

Other fans believe that OMG's decision to keep someone who occassionally played League of Legends on the roster was their undoing:

OMG put up a valiant effort but it still doesn't compare to the atrocity that is Elements and Team Impulse. I mean those remind me of when my Mum asked me to make dinner and left me out some money to buy ingredients: I spent the money on drugs and then served mayonaisse and ketchup sandwiches. Although to be fair, at least those sandwiches weren't going to kill anyone, I think watching Elements or Team Impulse play could cause even Shia LaBeouf to consider suicide.

LGD

From right to left: the Faker of the toplane, the Yellowstar of China, TBQ 2.0, Imping Into Your Girl's DMs and Scarrd4Lyfe

League's Greatest Dissapointment got everyone excited again like the mentally and physically abusive boyfriend they are. They started off the off-season by ditching the guy in a suit they paid to look like a coach, Firefox, and appointed former Samsung Blue and Actually Very Limited Potential support player Heart as their new coach.

They then replaced PaiNEvil with We1less who had this to say:

Joining LGD is such an honour. Honestly I had a lot of respect for PaiNEvil and think people were needlessly harsh on him. I mean he was used to playing aggressive in Best of 5s but everyone knows that you can't play aggressive in Best of 1s and Best of 3s. Also his naming choice of PaiNEvil was very original and edgy, I wish I was cool enough to think of a name like that. I wish PaiNEvil the best of luck in all his future endeavors as he's undoubtedly a world class midlaner who was help back by a terrible jungler and an abusive substitute toplaner.

LGD also bought the new flavour of the month toplaner MaRin who said this:

Yeah apparently this LGD team are the Summer LPL Champions and were a favourite for the 2015 World Championship? I'm not sure how the tournament played out, one minute we were playing bot games and then me and my teammates were holding the World Championship trophy. Apparently I also won the MVP award for the tournament, not sure how that happened but... What was the question again?

They also built a new version of the TBQ bot and called him Eimy. The old one was thrown into the dumpster out back but when the team felt bad and went to retrieve it it had mysteriously vanished.

Team WE

Chinese teams always find the most apt slogans.

Some say that Team WE rebranded away from World Elite when fans filed a lawsuit against them for false advertising.

Dignitas of China launched the off-season with a good bit of scandal; their then superstar jungler came out and said that his time on WE was a sick nightmare that he thought would never end. He complained that the players were lazy, that they smelled and they constantly refused to pay their way for fast food.

Then, the Chinese division of esportsexpress came out and said that Spirit was the one holding the team back and that he was more interested in hanging out with beautiful girls and spending his ludicrious salary. Spirit then replied:

Of course I wasn't interested in playing with Aluka, have you seen his Sion ults? That's his best champion for crying out loud! Once we lost to TSM I thought I'd just spend the year waiting out my contract and sampling all the pizza China could offer me. I hope one day I'm as good as Santorin and his 9.5 mechanics. FF@20 open mid!

Once they heard about Spirit's amazing mindset they decided to make Spirit an offer.

WE then signed Zero, who will change his citizenship from Korean to Chinese in 6 months, and WuShuang, which early reports are saying is a totally functional ClearLove clone. Aluka stepped down to a substitute role and it's said the celebrations went on for a day and a night. sukiM role swapped to ADC, role swapped back and name changed to 'mrsj' because #JustChinaThings. Mystic finally had the courage to ask who the Chinese kid sitting next to him was before Hoon, WE coach, exclaimed 'wow you're still here Styz? Get out now!'

Reports that Masters3 and Team WE were owned by the same person continued to be supressed after WE acquired M3 jungler Condi. WE owner had this to say:

It's completely insulting and ridiclious to continue saying that WE and M3 are owned by the same people. Their logos, team names, shirt designs and results might be practicly identical but that's where the similarities end. I can assure that the transfer of Condi from M3 to WE was totally above board and legal, I mean if I was going to risk breaking the law then surely I'd sign a good player away from M3? WE and M3 enjoy a healthy working relationship, that's it. Now if you excuse me I have a call to take... Hello is that INTZ eSport? You need some advice?

EDward Gaming

Were EDG the best team in China over the last two years? Well yes, just as Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens was the best Star Wars movie in the last 2 decades. In the off season, EDG sent Baeme, named so because no one calls him Bae, and Amazingj, the winner of the 2015 award for most misleading name. to go live on a farm where they will get to spend all day running around and being in the sunshine.

They then signed EVER ESC's midlaner, Athena. When asked why, the EDG owner had this to say:

Why? Athena won a tournament Faker was in and everyone knows that League of Legends is a 1v1 game and if you beat the best player in the World then you are the best player in the World.

It wasn't all sunshine and Ray, James Bond movie villian Aaron decided to 'take a break from coaching.' ahq e-Sports club's Head Coach Backstairs had this to say:

Aaron meant so much to myself and everyone at ahq e-Sports club. He was a mentor, a friend and my puppet master. I don't know how I'll continue without him. LMS teams had finally started to put up good results, I should've sold Ziv and ran when I had the chance. Wait are you recording this? Give me the recording, Master Aaron can't know I said this. Oh god I said his name, we aren't supposed to say his na-...

Invictus Gaming

This looks like a family photo where everyone not so secretely hates each other...except Rookie; he just finds everything hilarious.

Illogical Gaming's off season has mostly gone under the radar after they lost the Chinese nomination for "Worst League of Legends off-season," but that doesn't mean it isn't dark and full of nightmares. KaKAO has stated his intention to go and play for a LSPL team. Yes, KaKAO would rather get relegated than spend another minute ganking for Kid and Kitties. So what did iG decide to do in response? Overall rework their entire overpaid and individually terrible roster? Perhaps hire some new blood with some actual potential to grow and improve?

No, they decided to role swap the biggest disgrace to the legacy of Chinese ADCs to a jungler. Yeah that'll fix your issues iG, good work, really outstanding job. I can only presume KaKAO once said "Look, Kid, if you think you can do a better job, then come over here and show me," and Kid thought KaKAO was telling him that he had the capability to be the best jungler in the world.

iG's roster is almost as depressing as a microwaved Hot Pocket without any filling. Their toplaner is a terrible midlaner, their jungler is a terrible ADC, their ADC was an objective downgrade for Kid, and their support makes me miss the Chinese Elementz. Even the XDG owner thinks this team made some terrible decisions, I need a drink.

Vici Gaming

From left to right: I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie, the guy who makes Vasilii look good, LiterallyBetterThanFaker, Loong, Duan and a Toplane Reject

Considering how bad Vici Gaming were last year, they actually have done a pretty standup job at sorting out their self-inflicted problems. They started off by executing their terrible players by a firing squad of Unlimited Potential. Bye bye World6, HeTong, Peng, Xuan and Carry -- it's a good thing they say a mother's love is unconditional. They then undid their greatest sin of 2015 and roleswapped DanDy back into the jungle. Losing Mata was a loss, but considering the level of Chinese midlaners in 2015, I think the acquisition of Easyhoon was well worth the import slot in the long run. I'm told Duan and Loong actually play League of Legends once in a while so there's no way they aren't a huge upgrade over the literal rubbish they had before.

When asked why they decided to sign the Serious Cat of Esports and what fans could expect from the new look Vici Gaming, the owner had this to say:

Well after we failed to make the 2015 League of Legends World Championships I knew something had to change. After realising just how bad Chinese midlaners were, I decided to look overseas for a new midlaner that could do Vici Gaming proud, and I began reading a lot of foreign media. I read one Western article by a visionary and prophet, Frank Fields, who said that there was a player called Easyhoon who was 'literally better than Faker.'

Knowing we had a midlaner better than faker secured, DanDy said he would cut off his hands if he had to play another game as a toplaner. The rest of the roster was easy -- Loong sounds a bit like Looper, Vasilii is a lady's man just like Imp, and Mata and Duan are both four-letter words.

Other news:

- Renegades sign Mata, Looper and Insec.

- Watch continues modelling career and signs with ZTR management.

- The phrase 'Sandbagging' becomes illegal in China and is now punishable by death.

The author mostly focuses on LCK and satirical pieces of content. If you enjoyed this piece, follow him at @Gosickboy_ on Twitter.

Images courtesy of qq